I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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