11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it penis luge time yet?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
