I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
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