I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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