I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
