textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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