I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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