i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
