My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You ruined the universe
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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