Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So vagazzling was a success
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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