Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
