His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
