i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
