Someone shit on the floor
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
