She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize