well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
