i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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