Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
