Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
