oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's rum buckets o'clock
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
