I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize