ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
