I accidentally had phone sex last night
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
