So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
