It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
