apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
