So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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