Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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