No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
