I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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