We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
