There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
