I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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