I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
