Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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