I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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