I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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