I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Holy sore nipples Batman
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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