If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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