I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
