twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
My bed smells like the plague
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
