there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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