I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
