i already hear my dad disowning me
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize