just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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