Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
