You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
