i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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