God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
