u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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