I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
