I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
everyone is single if you try hard enough
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize