my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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