My friends, they love my intelligence
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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