dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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