Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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