omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
