my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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