Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
