my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
