If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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