Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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