What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
