The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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