I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize