Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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