Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
