Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
