Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
